Nimrod-Ellansee

There’s a fish on my windowsill. I’m perfectly serious. It jumped out of the fishbowl. I mean: that’s crazy isn’t it? Who the hell has a fishbowl nowadays? It’s like something your ageing grandparents would tell you, isn’t it? “In our days, we didn’t have no televisions or pee ess threes. We all had to sit around on our straw mats watching ol’ Goldy in the fishbowl until she turned upside down. Then we’d go to see Mr. J. Ripper next door and see how his lady-friends were doing.” Actually, they probably wouldn’t say that. My grandparents are articulate gentlepeople and wouldn’t

Once upon a never, In a mountain far astray, Lived a Golly Wog named Wally And his Handy Panda, Andy. Wally was not a jolly dolly. He burned things every day. He smoked pot and he drank too much. and lived on minimum wage. Handy Andy was a Christian Dandy Went to mass each day. He said grace then wiped his mouth And went to beat up gays. The revolting reveler And the reveling revolter Chose the perfect time Launched a revolution And commandeered the wine. They had gone to WalesLand And marched up on the town Of Llary-Llevy-Gribbly Grubby-Anti-Bugger- Cider-rain-sheep Bugger-Lamp-me. (If pronounced phonetically). They h

Brian Have you met my Brian? He’s a very special guy. He twinkles and he twonkles. His top hat’s no disguise Have you met my Brian? His dream’s to be a rock. His bunny goes Ping-Pong And his fish go Tick-Tock. Have you seen my Brian? As tall as a Golly Wog As wide as a philosopher And as deep as a wok Have you heard my Brian? I don’t think that you have. He only speaks to Dally Does While sitting in the bath.

Hello everyone and may I wish you all a Happy Wednesday! It’s not Wednesday though you say? Well, my learned friend, you know what I say to that? Go stuff it, you pedantic bastard. Welcome to an introduction of some of the familiar figures you may hear mentioned on this rollercoaster of gelatine and asterixes (asterii?) known as the Holy Church of the Rubber Chicken. So without further ado I present to you… The Rubber Chicken: For those of you who have not gathered this yet, The Rubber Chicken is at the heart of the Holy Church of the Rubber Chicken. Odd that, eh? He is at the centre of this great doughnut that we call life. He is

"Lift your head. I can see the hatred in your eyes. The anger, the fear, the confusion. Your face is black and blue with the blood on my knuckles. The ropes I tied around your hands and legs were been knotted  too tight. You were thrown into the cell a little too roughly. You were beaten far too hard, ten times harder than we were instructed. Yet you have not once screamed, nor shouted, nor cried. Nor once have I allowed a tear to fall from my eyes or a trace of emotion to show on my face. For I justify this as a teacher does to the incredulously disobedient student. It is the only way I am going to get you out of the shit you are already in"

"Lo and Behold! He stood on the pillar of mankind, the instrument of eternal epiphany in his hand. Enlightened by the fact the previous sentence had contained precisely 21 syllables. He strode to the holy altar and uttered the words that would ensure the liberation of many generations to come. "2 Iced ring doughnuts, a sausage roll and a bottle of sprite please!" Thus marks the beginning of the beginning of this, the shorter description of what the newly adopted religion RubberChickenism, is all about. Here you will discover righteousness, enlightenment, insanity, poor grammar, long words and possibly a new place to buy doughnuts. In very

I ran down the hall and threw open the door, revealing the rubber chicken already sitting at the desk. "... I know your keen to start your assignment but I swear the whole of England vibrated slightly towards France when you threw open the door" the almighty being spoke. "I'm sorry, sir" I said. The Rubber Chicken, whose name translated approximately in English to "Chris" was the highest entity known to man, although those who praised him were few and far between. "Right, your first assignment is to get me a bagel" he said "Wha...." "GET ME A BAGEL COSWALLOP! And not that one in the Mcdonalds advert, that's just a burger with a hole punc

OMGZ000000000000RZZZZZZZZZ STFU! V413NT1N23ZZZZZZZZZ D4YYYYYYYY IZZZZZ ABOUT LURRRRRVE Well...er.... After reading this you might be thinking just that.... You know... Just with less "Zs" and more about lurve. I'm here to tell you though that, that's just not true. Instead of going on a long rant about how St. Valentines Day crushes people I'm going to tell you the REAL. "Valentines Day" as they call it now has been warped and mispronounced over the 1000s of years it has existed. The original word it came from was in fact the word "Emo". At this point you're going to notice I have a few spelling mistakes. Yes, even though it is a freqent mi

Date Written: December 20th Dear Thames Valley Security I am slightly concerned over an issue that has come up but has only come to my attention in the last seven days. I believe that I am being followed. I have been informed that this person knows every one of my actions on every single day but particularly during the month of December. Would you be able to investigate this case to me and help me bring this man to justice. Sincerely, Miss Willica Johnson PS: I am much displeased Date Written: December 21st Dear Thames Valley Security You asked me to report back on more actions of this person. According to friends and colleagues this

 Report date: 31/02/06 I have come round to dinner to find no guests, no hosts, no dinner on the table, no seat by the fire or tea by the seat. In fact there is no tea, no seat, no cup, no fire, no plates, no table no chairs. On closer inspection there is no hall, no dining room, no lounge, no floor. There is no house and I am left at the door. Indeed there is no door. I am much displeased